LIFE IN THE 1500'S These are interesting. Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found t have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History is

TO ALL THE KIDS

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-Aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10Th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smile Makers

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2 How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Ge t Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup? 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Christian One Liners

1."Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,Moses started out as a basket case." 2. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews. 3. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. 4. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. 5. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. 6. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. 7. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. 8. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation leans on the bell. 9. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. 10. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion." 11. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. 12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? 13. To make a long story short, don't tell it. 14. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. 15. Peace starts with a smile. 16. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? 17. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. 18. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. 19. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees. 20. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. 21. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 22. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 23. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. 24. Forbidden fruits create many jams. 25. God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called. 26. God grades on the cross, not the curve. 27. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spiritover religious nuts!" 28. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 29. He who angers you, controls you! 30. If God is your Copilot - swap seats! 31. Prayer: Don't give God instructions-just report for duty! 32. The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us. 33. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. 34. We don't change the message; the message changes us. 35. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. 36. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.